Step by Wicked Step Read online

  ‘Easy,’ Ralph said. ‘D for Dumbo and Dad, and M for Mickey and Mum. If I wasn’t sure which house I was aiming for, I looked at my lunchbox.’

  ‘Why four?’

  ‘A pair for each house,’ said Ralph. ‘And even then they’d sometimes both end up in the same place, and Mum or Annabel would have to stick a label on the side, saying “Not Mickey, Dumbo”, or “Not Dumbo, Mickey”.’

  ‘Is Annabel your stepmum?’

  ‘She was,’ said Ralph. ‘She isn’t now. I don’t see Annabel any more. But I still see Angus and Patricia –’

  ‘Angus and Patricia?’

  ‘My ex-stepgranny and grandpa.’

  ‘That’s it,’ said Pixie firmly. ‘I’m giving up.’

  Ralph stared at her.

  ‘For heaven’s sake!’ he said. ‘You can’t be lost already. I’ve hardly started to explain.’

  Claudia patted his hand.

  ‘Don’t try and explain,’ she said peaceably. ‘Just tell us the good bits.’

  ‘That’s right,’ Robbo backed Claudia up hastily. ‘Edited highlights only.’

  Ralph screwed up his face, and thought.

  ‘Right,’ he said. ‘Coming up. One of the best moments ever. This was with Annabel, Stepmother Number One.’

  He noticed them staring.

  ‘That’s what Howard calls her,’ he explained.

  ‘Who is Howard?’ Pixie enquired of the air floating round her. ‘Do we know?’

  ‘I told you!’ Ralph was outraged. ‘Howard’s my stepdad, married to my mum.’

  A shadow of confusion crossed his face.

  ‘Have I mentioned Felicia, Alicia and Victor?’

  ‘Let me guess,’ Robbo said. ‘They’re your stepsisters and brother.’

  ‘Half-sisters and brother,’ Ralph corrected him. ‘We all have the same mum. My stepbrothers and sister belong to Janet.’

  ‘Janet?’

  ‘Stepmother Number Two.’

  Robbo raised both arms, like a referee trying to halt play.

  ‘Go back,’ he ordered Ralph. ‘Go back and start again. Don’t tell us anybody’s name unless you must.’

  ‘Right.’

  Ralph began again.

  ‘Me and my real brothers –’

  He hesitated.

  ‘Oh, all right,’ sighed Robbo.

  ‘Edward and George,’ said Ralph. ‘We all went round to Dad and Annabel.’

  ‘Stepmother Number One!’

  ‘My brothers were a bit fed up,’ said Ralph. ‘They didn’t really like Annabel.’ Again he hesitated. ‘No, that’s not fair. They liked her well enough. She was good fun, and she bought super presents. It’s just that she got on their nerves. The problem was that she never left any of us alone with Dad. She was always there. Always. She came on every trip, even the boring ones like shopping or getting petrol. She sat through every meal, and every telly programme. She even tagged along when Dad drove us back to Mum’s house. I didn’t mind. I was so little that I hardly noticed. But Edward and George just hated it. They said it wasn’t fair. She had Dad to herself for half the week, so why couldn’t she back off a little bit when it was our time? “Dad might have chosen to have Annabel around all day every day,” George complained to Mum. “I didn’t, did I? Neither did Edward or Ralph. So why do we have to put up with her every single minute?”’

  A look of sheer amazement spread over Colin’s face.

  ‘He said that? To your mum?’

  Ralph picked his words carefully.

  ‘I don’t think my mum comes out of the same box as your mum,’ he said to Colin. ‘You can say practically anything to my mum.’

  He paused a little ruefully.

  ‘And she can say practically anything back. And she did this time. She nagged and nagged at Dad, over the phone. But it was no use. He carried on as usual, letting his precious Annabel muscle in on everything, rather than risk the fuss of explaining how George and Edward felt. “Spineless,” my mother called him. But I think the problem was that he was in love. Totally, idiotically, soppily in love. He and Annabel spent all their time kissing and cuddling and giggling, and calling each other “Munchkin” and “Pusscat”.’

  ‘Munchkin?’

  ‘Pusscat?’

  Everyone looked suitably disgusted.

  ‘He didn’t seem to notice,’ Ralph explained. ‘Everything Annabel did was fine with him. She didn’t like jazz, so he stopped listening to it. She thought shop bread was stuffed with chemicals, so even if there was nothing in the breadbin, we had to wait for hours, starving to death, while she made more of her own, instead of nipping up the corner shop.’ He shook his head. ‘Annabel was always on a diet,’ he explained. ‘And, to be honest, I don’t think she had the faintest idea how much a normal person eats. And she disapproved of coffee, so we all had to drink dandelion tea.’ He shuddered at the memory. ‘Dandelion tea! And, every morning, Annabel read out her star sign forecast, and then she read it out again in the evening, explaining how you could look at it so it was almost right. And Dad didn’t even laugh at her! And Annabel believed that everyone had an aura round their head, a sort of ring of colour that shows what kind of person you are, and what sort of mood you’re in. Nobody else can see auras, but Annabel claimed she could. Sometimes, she’d look at Edward or George and say, “Your aura’s looking very thin and grey. Did you have a bad day at school?” And even if they’d had a simply dreadful time from start to finish, they’d force themselves to say, “No, it was smashing,” just to embarrass her in front of Dad.’ He shook his head in wonder. ‘Except that Dad wasn’t embarrassed. He’d just beam. “Cracked,” said my mother. But I think it was just that he was dippy in love. Until the day –’

  He broke off. A seraphic smile spread over his face.

  ‘Go on!’ they scolded him. ‘Get on with it.’

  ‘Until the day we had to bring Brandy with us.’

  ‘Brandy?’

  ‘Our cat. He couldn’t stay home, you see, because Mum was varnishing floors. “I’m not packing you three off to your Dad’s, and Felicia out in the pram with Howard, just to have that fat, idle, inconsiderate pet of yours leave paw prints down my freshly varnished hall, so he’ll just have to go with you. And if your dad makes a fuss, tell him from me he’s lucky I don’t send Brandy every week,” she said.’

  Colin looked suitably impressed.

  ‘You’re right. Your mum can say anything.’

  Ralph winced.

  ‘We don’t pass all of it on,’ he admitted. ‘We didn’t that time. We just rolled up, with Brandy squashed in a cage Edward had knocked up from a broken milk bottle crate and bits of wire. And Annabel went on about how cruel we were, poor little Brandy, hardly room to breathe, till Dad distracted her by pointing out that we were out of bread again. “Shall I send Edward up the shops?” But no! Annabel insisted on making it herself. So we sat round the kitchen, starving to death, while Annabel fussed with yeast, and kneaded, and sang her “lucky chant” over the dough, then tipped it in the big brown china bowl to stand and rise.’

  Again the seraphic smile suffused his face.

  ‘And Edward said, “Come on, George. Let’s go out. We’ll take Ralph with us.” And we went up the shops, where Edward spent the whole of his allowance on three large loaves, and we ate all of them on the way home. Then George and Edward brushed the crumbs off me, and we went back inside.’

  The light of joy shone in his eyes.

  ‘Annabel’s dough had risen miles high,’ he said. ‘It was a huge puffy ball, bulging up out of the bowl. “See?” Annabel told us. “Isn’t it worth the wait?” She turned to get her baking tins out of the cupboard. And just at that moment Brandy leaped up on the table and sniffed the dough. Then he lifted a paw and patted it, terribly gently.’

  Ralph’s grin was rapturous.

  ‘And George looked at Edward. Edward looked at George. And George put his hand over my mouth, so I couldn’t say anything.’

  He wriggl
ed in ecstasy.

  ‘And, just at that moment, Dad came in the room. So we were all there to watch as Annabel turned round in time to see our fat old Brandy curling himself up comfortably on her dough, and blinking coolly at her over the edge of the bowl while it sank like a parachute beneath him.’

  He rocked on the bed in his rapture.

  ‘And Annabel went mad. Totally unhinged. You’ve never seen anything like it. She said that Brandy was an evil beast who had spoiled her bread dough out of sheer spite. Dad tried to stick up for Brandy. (“More than he’s ever done for you children!” Mum said afterwards.) But Annabel wouldn’t listen. “I saw that creature for what he was the moment he came in the house,” she said. “He has a malevolent aura. Look at the purple ring around his head.”’

  Ralph spread his hands.

  ‘And that was that,’ he said. ‘Dad burst out laughing. He just couldn’t help it. “Malevolent aura!” he scoffed. “Our Brandy? Purple ring round his head! Don’t be ridiculous, Annabel!” Then he shooed Edward and George and me out of the room, so they could carry on without us listening. But we didn’t need to hear any more really. The spell was broken, it was obvious. And though they kept calling one another Pusscat and Munchkin for quite a bit longer, in the end Annabel ran off with someone who thought he was a descendant of King Arthur, and it took Dad ages to find her to get her to sign the papers for the divorce.’

  ‘Where is she now?’ asked Colin.

  Ralph only shrugged.

  ‘Don’t you know?’ Colin asked, adding, astonished: ‘Don’t you mind? Don’t you miss her?’

  ‘No,’ Ralph said. ‘I can’t say I mind. I can’t say I even missed her. You see, she was more of a girlfriend of Dad’s than a real stepmother. And anyway, straight after she went off, Dad took up with Janet, and that took all my attention for a while.’

  Robbo settled himself more comfortably.

  ‘Is this another highlight coming up?’

  Ralph gave this a moment’s thought before admitting:

  ‘I think it would be fairer to call it a few lowlights.’

  ‘Press on,’ said Claudia. ‘Off you go. Stepmother Number Two.’

  ‘She was a real shock,’ said Ralph. ‘Not one of us had ever come across anyone like her before. George thought Dad must have found her in a gaol.’ He noticed the curious looks on their faces. ‘Not in a cell,’ he added hastily. ‘In the main office. Running everything. She was more keen on rules than anyone I’ve ever known. Janet had rules about everything. Rules about what you could watch on telly, and for how long. Rules about what time everyone had to go to bed, and when they had to get up, even on Saturdays. She even had rules about what sorts of food you were allowed to take out of the fridge without asking. She used to treat a lump of cheese as if it were the crown jewels.’

  He sighed.

  ‘And mealtimes were the worst. Janet had rules about how you had to chew, and what you had to do with your elbows, and how to hold your knife and fork. There was a rule about not sliding the butter dish along like a hockey puck. There were rules about saying “Please” and “Thank you” and “May I pass you the bread?” There was a rule about not starting to eat until everyone at the table had been served. There was a special knife for the butter dish. There was a special spoon for the spread.’

  He shook his head in renewed amazement.

  ‘And there was even a rule that no one could get up and answer the telephone if it rang unless everyone round the table had finished their pudding.’

  He scowled.

  ‘I must have missed about a million calls!’

  ‘What about your dad? Didn’t he mind?’

  ‘Mind?’ Ralph said bitterly. ‘He liked it. He said after Annabel it was wonderful. “Sensible,” he called it. “Organized.” And everyone else seemed to agree. Edward and George thought she was brilliant because they had tons of time alone with Dad while she was rushing between doctors and dentists and school shows and parents’ evenings with Tom and Joe and Doug and Ann.’

  He noticed their baffled faces.

  ‘My stepbrothers and sister,’ he explained. ‘Janet’s own children. They moved in as well. “Giving it a try,” Janet called it.’ He scowled again. ‘I could have told them all it wouldn’t work. The house wasn’t big enough. I didn’t mind Tom so much. And Ann was quite nice, once you got to know her. But you’d need a castle for me to get on with Joe and Doug. Not that anyone listened to me, of course.’

  ‘What did your mum say?’

  Ralph made a face.

  ‘That’s one of the things I don’t understand,’ he told them. ‘Mum and Howard thought Janet was wonderful. Maybe it was because she came so quickly after Annabel. But “It’s so nice to have a bit of order in our lives for once,” my mum kept saying. “And credit where it’s due, I’ve never seen your clothes come home so beautifully laundered. She even got those oil stains off Edward’s shirt. Do you think I dare send her that cot blanket of Alicia’s?” My mum spent hours on the phone with her. In fact, she hardly bothered with my dad at all, once Janet came. Anything complicated – dates for holidays, extra rehearsals, exchange visits to France – she just fixed up with Janet. “What a joy,” she kept saying, “to deal with a woman who can draw up a proper schedule. Let’s hope it lasts.”’

  ‘And did it?’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ said Ralph. ‘It lasted.’ He sighed. ‘I think if anyone ever sends me to prison, I’ll know exactly how to behave. I’ll pick up the rules in no time. I’ll know how to share a tiny cell between three people. I’ll know not to leave any of my stuff lying about on someone else’s patch of floor, in case they trample on my things, and break them. I’ll know better than to be more than a microsecond late for any meal because, with so many people in the house, the person who cooked it can’t be expected to think about saving things for latecomers. I’ll certainly remember to take all my model cars off my bookshelves and lock them away sensibly in my cupboard, where I can’t even look at them at night. And I won’t expect to get to watch what I want on telly more than once in a lifetime.’

  His voice shook with scorn.

  ‘I’ll know to give a year’s notice if I want a bath. And not to expect to get more than one measly sweet out of a packet if I have to share it round. I’ll know how to read some very complicated charts about whose turn it is to wash, and dry, and put away, and dust, and sweep the kitchen floor, and wipe down the counters.’

  His face was scarlet.

  ‘Oh, yes,’ he said. ‘I’ll be brilliant in prison.’

  Claudia said soothingly:

  ‘But, surely, Janet’s gone now.’

  ‘Yes,’ Ralph said, calming down. ‘Janet’s gone now.’ And at the thought of it, his spirits rose. ‘She got fed up with Mum and Dad. First she said they were taking advantage of her. Then she said neither of them pulled their weight. And in the end she said that both of them had pushed their luck too far.’

  ‘What had they done?’

  Ralph blushed.

  ‘Well, Dad kept fixing up work trips on the days when we were there. “You’ve got four anyway,” he kept telling Janet. “Three more won’t make any difference.” And then Mum started sneaking Victor’s romper suits into Edward’s sports bag, hoping that Janet would come across them and get the stains out before sending them back.’

  ‘That’s terrible!’ said Pixie. ‘So unfair!’

  ‘My mum’s a bit like that,’ Ralph confessed. ‘Even Howard said she’d got no more than she deserved, and it would serve her right if Stepmother Number Three sent back our socks and underwear without even bothering to wash them.’ He grinned. ‘Mum blamed my dad, of course. And Dad blamed Mum. But nobody else gave a hoot. We were too happy. I could spread all my models along my shelves again. We ate out of pizza boxes and chip bags. And George even organized a ceremony for dropping the butter-knife down the drain.’

  He picked up his sandwich again.

  ‘It was like suddenly being set free,’ he said. ‘W
onderful. And we went on like that until last year…’

  ‘Stepmother Number Three!’ they chorused willingly.

  ‘They haven’t married yet,’ said Ralph. ‘But she’s moved in. Her name is Flora.’ A look they hadn’t seen before spread over his face, and he told them disconcertingly, ‘Flora means Flower,’ before falling silent.

  Claudia prompted him.

  ‘Ralph?’

  He seemed not to hear her, so she said it louder.

  ‘Ralph!’

  He started.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Tell us. Tell us about Flora.’

  He flushed.

  ‘Oh, yes. Well, Edward met her first. He dropped in unexpectedly to pick up his school biology project on skin diseases, and found her lying on Dad’s patio with hardly any clothes on. Dad looked uncomfortable, and said: ‘Edward, this is Flora. Flora, can’t you cover yourself up?’ And Flora said, ‘I’m enjoying the sun. Why don’t you cover up Edward?’ So Edward put a bag over his head, and they had a nice long chat about leprosy and nappy rash.’

  ‘Very nice,’ murmured Pixie. But Ralph didn’t seem to notice. He just carried on with his story.

  ‘George didn’t meet her till the day after that. She came with Dad to pick him up from his viola lesson, and they went shopping for food. George said he’d never seen anything like it. Strawberries, kiwi fruits, waffles, Belgian chocolates. Dad nearly had a fit. He kept coughing anxiously and peering in his wallet. But Flora went on dumping treats into the trolley. And when they reached the check-out, Dad tried to make a stand: “We don’t have room in the freezer for four separate ice-cream tubs.” Flora ignored him, George said. But seeing Dad squinting gloomily in his wallet again, the lady on the checkout picked out the bilberry and the toffee pecan, and said to George: “Be a dear, and put these back for your mother.” Flora nearly dropped a bottle of luxury maple syrup. “I’m not his mother!” she said. “I’m far too young to be his mother!” And she looked absolutely horrified. But nowhere near as horrified as Dad, George said, when he was telling us after. Mum rolled her eyes to heaven, and Howard laughed and said: “Here comes Stepmother Number Three.” But I felt out of it because I hadn’t met her, so I hadn’t anything to tell.’