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  PUFFIN BOOKS

  Roll Over Roly

  Anne Fine was born and educated in the Midlands, and now lives in County Durham. She has written numerous highly acclaimed and prize-winning books for children and adults. Her novel The Tulip Touch won the Whitbread Children's Book of the Year Award; Goggle-Eyes won the Guardian Children's Fiction Award and the Carnegie Medal, and was adapted for television by the BBC; Flour Babies won the Carnegie Medal and the Whitbread Children's Book of the Year Award; Bill's New Frock won a Smarties Prize, and Madame Doubtfire has become a major feature film.

  www.annefine.co.uk

  Some other books by Anne Fine

  Books for Younger Readers

  Care of Henry

  Countdown

  Design-a-Pram

  The Diary of a Killer Cat

  The Haunting of Pip Parker

  Jennifer's Diary

  Loudmouth Louis

  Notso Hotso

  Only a Show

  Press Play

  The Same Old Story Every Year

  Scaredy-Cat

  Stranger Danger?

  The Worst Child I Ever Had

  Books for Middle-range Readers

  The Angel of Nitshill Road

  Anneli The Art Hater

  Bill's New Frock

  The Chicken Gave It To Me

  The Country Pancake

  Crummy Mummy and Me

  How To Write Really Badly

  A Pack of Liars

  A Sudden Glow of Gold

  A Sudden Puff of Glittering Smoke

  A Sudden Swirl of Icy Wind

  ANNE FINE

  Roll Over Roly

  Illustrated by Philippe Dupasquier

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  For Sonia Benster's dad

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  Penguin Putnam Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Books Australia Ltd, 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia

  Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V 3B2

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  Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank 2196, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  www.penguin.com

  Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  www.penguin.com

  First published 1999

  20

  Text copyright © Anne Fine, 1999

  Illustrations copyright © Philippe Dupasquier, 1999

  All rights reserved

  The moral right of the author and illustrator has been asserted

  Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  ISBN: 978-0-14-193034-3

  Contents

  1 Take the Road of Not Yet

  2 All Uncooked Joints Will Be Carved

  3 When Sunny Smile…

  4 Don't Boast When You Set Off

  5 Bad Habits Are First Cobwebs

  6 Life Is a Splendid Robe

  7 Roll Over, Roly!

  8 Accidents Will Happen

  9 Faster, You Dozy Lump! Faster!

  10 Good Manners Are Like Measles

  1 Take the Road of Not Yet

  RUPERT'S MOTHER AND father had to go to Great Uncle Percy's funeral. All the usual babysitters were busy. So Rupert was dropped off at Great Aunt Ada's house, with Roly, his puppy.

  Rupert and Great Aunt Ada waved the car round the corner, while Roly sat in a wet flower bed.

  “You knew Great Uncle Percy,” said Rupert. “Why aren't you going too?”

  “No fear!” said Great Aunt Ada. “At my age, funerals in wet weather tend to be catching.”

  She turned to see Roly sprawling about in her pansies.

  “Out!” she said. “Out of there at once!”

  Roly ignored her, and began to chew a begonia.

  “Isn't he trained yet?” Great Aunt Ada asked Rupert crossly.

  “Not yet,” Rupert admitted. He didn't want to admit to someone he hardly knew that his new puppy was so round and warm and soft and lovely that he couldn't bring himself even to start to be a little firm.

  So he just said again, “Not yet. I keep meaning to start, but I never get round to it.”

  Great Aunt Ada frowned at him over the top of her spectacles.

  “Take the Road of Not Yet,” she warned, “and the only place you'll arrive is the Land of Never.”

  Then she gave Roly a sharp poke with her walking stick, and he shot off the flower bed at once.

  “That's better,” said Great Aunt Ada. “After all, rather unborn than untaught.” And she led the way back up the path to her little house.

  Rupert trailed after her while Roly raced ahead, barking. In the front room, there was a glossy green parrot in a large wire cage.

  “Now, there,” said Great Aunt Ada, “is a pet to make an owner proud.”

  Rupert was embarrassed for Roly. But Roly just kept skittering about, making a nuisance of himself and jumping on furniture.

  Inside the cage, the parrot sat silently on its perch, blinking at Rupert with a beady eye.

  Rupert went closer.

  “Hello, Polly,” he said to the parrot. “Hello, Polly.”

  “Gordon,” Great Aunt Ada corrected. “The parrot's name is Gordon.”

  “Hello, Gordon,” said Rupert.

  The parrot opened its beak. “Faster!” it shouted. “Faster, you dozy lump! Faster!”

  Startled, Rupert backed away, and Roly stopped barking and stared.

  “Gordon belonged to Great Uncle Percy,” Great Aunt Ada explained to Rupert. “Your mother wasn't madly keen, so he came here instead.”

  “I see,” said Rupert.

  “Jump!” screeched the parrot. “Get on with it! Jump! Jump!”

  Poor Roly whined in terror and scratched at the door, desperate to get away.

  “Was Great Uncle Percy a very rude man?” Rupert couldn't help asking.

  “No,” said Great Aunt Ada, mystified. “Why on earth should you think that?”

  “No reason,” Rupert said hastily. “Honestly, no reason.”

  “Go!” screeched the parrot. “Stop hanging about like an old lady! Go, go, go!”

  Great Aunt Ada looked just the tiniest bit put out. “We'll leave Gordon in peace, shall we?” she said loftily. “Let's go into the kitchen.”

  Rupert followed her willingly.

  “Rubbish!” the parrot called after them. “Absolute rubbish!”

  2 All Uncooked Joints Will be Carved

  UP AT THE table, Rupert piled his plate high with slices of the cake his mother had left with them.

  “It was too early for breakfast when we left home,” he explained, steadying his elbows on Great Aunt Ada's flowery tablecloth as he took his first huge bite.

  “I see you're as poorly trained as your dog,” Great Aunt Ada said tartly. “I warn you, all uncooked joints on this table will be carved.”

  Hastily, Rupert took h
is elbows off the table.

  “That's better,” said Great Aunt Ada.

  Roly raced round and round the chair legs, hoping that cake crumbs would fall.

  Great Aunt Ada scolded him. “Behave, or you'll go in the broth pot!”

  Rupert sighed. His mother had warned him. “Don't worry about Great Aunt Ada. Her bark's worse than her bite.” But still, it was going to be a very long day – for himself and for Roly.

  He finished the cake. Then, “I think I'll just slip off and play quietly on my own now,” he said, sliding down from the table.

  Great Aunt Ada gazed up at the ceiling and chanted a little rhyme.

  “The little boy who did not say

  ‘Thank you' and ‘If you please’

  Was scraped to death with oyster shells

  Under the coconut trees.”

  Rupert took the hint.

  “Please,” he said. “Please may I get down from the table and go and play?”

  “Yes,” said Great Aunt Ada. “Yes, you may.”

  “And thank you for the lovely cake,” Rupert added, even though his own mother had brought it. (Better to be on the safe side.)

  “Not at all,” Great Aunt Ada said graciously. “It was my pleasure.”

  As he went out of the door (tripping over Roly), he quite distinctly heard her saying smugly to herself, “Well, there you are. Good manners are like measles. The only way to get them is to spend time where they already are.”

  3 When Sunny Smile…

  INSIDE THE BOX his parents had left in the hall, he found his raincoat and his boots, his school reading book and Roly's dog food and dish.

  Rupert put his head back round the door.

  “Great Aunt Ada, where's the other box?”

  “What other box?”

  “The one with my games and my jigsaw and my aeroplanes and my models and glue and my old binoculars and my giant red magnet and my football cards and my interactive dinosaur family and my racing cars and –”

  “Your father only carried in one box,” Great Aunt Ada interrupted. “And your mother didn't bring in anything, except the cake.”

  Rupert was horrified. All day. All day in Great Aunt Ada's awful, boring, stuffy house. No cassette player. No computer. No television, even. (That's why they'd packed the box.)

  And Mum had told him only about a million times, “I know Great Aunt Ada isn't going to be the world's greatest babysitter. But, honestly, there's no one else. So be polite.”

  Well, he would try. But not that hard.

  “I'll manage,” he called out, adding a little ungraciously under his breath, “I suppose I'll have to, won't I?”

  But she'd appeared in the doorway. She had seen his face.

  “Look at you,” she said. “You look like a man sent to empty a bath with a teaspoon.”

  He tried a little smile.

  She waited.

  He tried harder.

  Still she waited.

  The next smile came out almost properly.

  “That's better,” she said. “Never forget:

  When Sunny Smile from Castle Gloom is freed,

  He unlocks Heart, who rushes to the lead.”

  That made him laugh. (Though he had the good manners to wait till she was back in the kitchen.)

  4 Don't Boast When You Set Off

  IT JUST POPPED out of him.

  “I'm bored.”

  “I'll find you a job,” she said promptly, and opened a cupboard door.

  Inside was the vacuum cleaner.

  “You lift it,” she told him. “I'm older, so I'll just do the groaning.”

  Rupert hauled it out.

  “Do this room first,” said Great Aunt Ada. “Then go across the hall and do the other room, especially under Gordon's cage. And then, if you're still bored –”

  Hastily, Rupert plugged in the vacuum cleaner and switched it on. The noise

  drowned out her voice, and she went off. He started vacuuming. He didn't mind. He quite enjoyed it really – until Great Aunt Ada came back in again to tell him to go in straight lines.

  “See?” she said, taking the cleaner. “Up. Down. Up. Down.”

  “But, why?”

  “So you can see exactly where you've been.”

  “But I remember where I've been. Mum says I'm really good at vacuuming.”

  “Don't boast when you set off,” said Great Aunt Ada. “Boast when you get there.”

  Then she went back to the conservatory, and her book.

  Rupert pressed on, trying to keep in straight lines, but not let the vacuum cleaner put Roly in so much of a frenzy that he barked, and fetched Great Aunt Ada back in again.

  Roly raced round and round, leaping on chairs and crashing into little nests of tables.

  “Why don't you just sit quietly on that rug?” Rupert suggested.

  Roly ignored him, and skidded into the fireguard.

  “Sit!” Rupert told him more sharply. But Roly just skittered back again.

  “Please, Roly,” said Rupert. “This is impossible.”

  Roly rushed round even faster, tangling himself in the vacuum-cleaner lead.

  “Be a good dog,” begged Rupert.

  Roly just whined and pawed at Rupert's new trousers. Rupert pushed him down and carried on vacuuming. Up, down, up, down (in case Great Aunt Ada came back in again), over the hall, and into the other room.

  Roly raced after him, tangling himself back up in the vacuum-cleaner lead.

  “Roll over, Roly!” Rupert told him, unravelling the loops. “Roll over!”

  Roly just lay there staring, then raced further into the room.

  Spotting the parrot suddenly, he changed his mind, skidded to a halt, and rushed off towards the back door.

  “Come back,” pleaded Rupert over the

  whine of the vacuum. “Roly, come back!” He was worried Roly would chew more of Great Aunt Ada's begonias. But Roly paid no attention. He just pretended that he hadn't heard, and charged off round the corner.

  Rupert gave up, and went back to his vacuuming.

  In the front room, the carpet was a mess. All round the cage were bits of grit Gordon had kicked off his tray, and seed husks he'd spat out.

  Rupert turned up the vacuum to full power.

  “Faster!” shrieked Gordon over the vacuum's roar.

  “Oh, hush!” said Rupert.

  “Faster!” the parrot repeated. “Faster, you dozy lump!”

  “Be quiet!” Rupert snapped.

  “Get on with it!” Gordon snapped back, and swivelled on his perch to keep his eye on the vacuum cleaner as Rupert pushed it up and down. The parrot wasn't helping, Rupert couldn't help noticing. Each time Rupert cleaned a perfect stripe of carpet, he kicked more grit out between the bars, to mess it up again.

  Rupert was irritated. “Stop that!” he told Gordon. “How am I supposed to clean up around you if you keep kicking down more?”

  Gordon just blinked at him.

  Rupert worked faster, up and down. The parrot waited till he'd almost finished, then kicked some more mess out between the bars.

  It floated down to the carpet.

  “Stop it!” Rupert said sharply. “Just sit and behave, please!”

  Still blinking insolently, Gordon kicked more. “Quickly!” he screeched. “Faster! Faster!”

  Rupert switched off the vacuum cleaner and put his hands on his hips. “Listen,” he told the parrot. “This is not my idea of the perfect day. It's bad enough having Great Aunt Ada telling me what to do and how to do it. ‘Make sure you go in straight lines! Up! Down! Up! Down!’ But I'm certainly not taking orders from a parrot.”

  Gordon said nothing. Only blinked at him.

  Rupert waited.

  Gordon was silent.

  Rupert waited some more.

  Gordon just blinked.

  “Right then,” said Rupert. “If that's

  fully understood, I'll get on with the vacuuming.”

  Just at that moment, Roly's
head appeared at the window.

  “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” Gordon screeched like an express train.

  Roly turned and fled.

  “Rubbish!” Gordon squawked contemptuously. “Absolute rubbish!”

  He tucked his head under his wing, and refused to come out again.

  5 Bad Habits Are First Cobwebs

  AN HOUR LATER, it slipped out again:

  “I'm bored.”

  “When I was your age,” said Great Aunt Ada, “I had a box of buttons and a cotton reel to play with. And I was never bored.”

  “Blimey!” said Rupert.

  “Set a brave soldier to guard that tongue, young man,” Great Aunt Ada warned. “Bad habits are first cobwebs, then cables. Haven't you got a book?”

  “I've finished it.”

  “Then I'll find you another job.”

  This time, it was windows. He enjoyed

  that more. She didn't have any of the fancy blue cleaning sprays his parents used. She just filled a rattling tin bucket with warm, soapy water and gave him a strange, furry leather cloth that felt all slimy in his hand when it was wet, but worked like magic. He made the glass panes sparkle. Rupert worked steadily round the house, window by window, taking care with the china ornaments inside and the flower beds outside.

  Roly stayed locked in the kitchen, barking like a fiend.

  After a while, Great Aunt Ada poked her head out of one of her freshly gleaming windows, and said, “That dog of yours certainly knows the best way to get in the neighbours' Book of Sinners.”

  Rupert couldn't help sighing. Much as he adored Roly, the noise was getting on his nerves as well.

  “I can't do anything with him,” he said forlornly. “He just doesn't care.”

  Great Aunt Ada said darkly:

  “Don't Care was made to care.

  Don't Care was hung.

  Don't Care was put in a pot

  And boiled till he was done.”

  Rupert was glad that he and Great Aunt Ada had got to know each other a little better. Because it was the second time that day she'd mentioned cooking his pet.